Crashing Waves

Red light.

I stand on the edge, gazing.
The speed of cars, buses, and trucks hit like crashing waves.
A little girl in the middle, dancing.
Stretching her arms towards me, inviting me to be brave.

Green light.

_______________________________________
Because I’ve wondered how would it feel like if I stepped towards the girl.

Crashing Waves

Wide Awake

Lying on the edge of my bed, I breathe.
Looking at the time, oh what time is it?
It’s 4:16 am and I am wide awake.
Staring at the ceiling, oh what is it?

Blink. Blink. Blink.

Wait, was it all a dream or is this real?
It was like a dream, that’s what I feel.
A long dream, or was it even a nightmare?
I don’t even have anymore thoughts to spare.

Blink. Blink. Blink.

The ceiling fan spinning at a constant speed.
Well, not like what we had when we started.
Even my heartbeat was at a constant speed.
Well, not like what I felt when we started.

Blink. Blink. Blink.

Gripping the blanket tightly,
forcing myself to go to sleep.
I can’t even make myself weep,
just staring the ceiling continuously.

Blink. Blink. Blink.

Ha. You disgust me.
There, I said it.
I scoffed.
Wow. You disgust me.

Blink. Blink. Blink.

Oh hey let’s see what time it is.
It’s 4:26 am and I am wide awake.
How long are you gonna keep this?
Hup, hup, come on it’s time to wake.

Wakey, wakey.
______________________________
“I know the truth now,
I know who you are,
and I don’t love you anymore,”
– Evanescence “Everybody’s Fool”

Wide Awake

One/Free

I can hear the chains clanking off my back,
my wings are still weak but I still remember how to fly.
I swear I felt like I was about to die,
but now I will fly far and never look back.

The gust of air screams freedom,
and once again, I could be me.
But there is still something that bothers me,
and prevents me from enjoying this freedom.

I want to rip that sweet facade off your face.

Everyone was right, I didn’t belong there,
but I could fly home now.
I wanted to keep my vow,
to be with you I chose to stay there.

But god I was dying.
I floated but the air was still suffocating.

Those sweet, sweet promises,
chained me to the lands of uncertainty.
Those sweet, sweet kisses,
locked me to the heart of improbability.

The pain is still there from the chains,
but I can breathe again now.
I guess I was right,
I had to wait for you to unleash the chains.

I’m no slave, I’m free.
Was that how you wanted to treat me?
Fuck, I guess I was a slave to your love,
oh that’s right, wasn’t that how we began, love?

Funny how our world never was and never will be.
No matter how much I wished for it to be.
Through heaven and hell I went back,
but no, this time I’m not going back.

Let me live in my freedom.
__________________________________________
And let me laugh through my red lips.

One/Free

Your Fool

That beautiful facade,
I foolishly fell in love with.
Oh, honey, I am a fool.
But god damn it I’m your fool.

I look in the mirror and I laugh,
“How did you get so far off?”
So far deep, deep down,
wearing the fool’s crown?

Laugh, laugh, laugh.
Admit it, this is funny.

Your chaos behind your facade.
How much time do you have before you fall apart?

Accept it, this is a domino game.
The stack of cards won’t stop falling over.
If you seriously think this is a game,
shouldn’t it be time that it’s game over?

If I have a question to ask more,
do you even know yourself anymore?
_____________________________________
“Without the mask,
where will you hide?
Can’t find yourself,
lost in your lies,”
– Evanescence “Everybody’s Fool”

Your Fool

Drown Me

Drown me.
In my dreams.
In these tunes.

It’s hard to breathe so let it be over.

Blast the drums in my ears.
So I can’t hear the sound of my fears.
And I can’t feel my own tears.

Tell me why is it so hard to breathe.

Shout and scream it out loud.
So I can’t hear my brain pound.
When I’m high above the cloud.

Let me crawl out of this skin to feel alive.

Please, someone scream to me,
so I can’t hear these thoughts in me.
Drown me.
____________________________________
An object is only the strongest at its weakest point.

Drown Me

Mirror

A bouquet of peonies in her hand,
She walks down the aisle,
With the brightest smile,
Following the rhythm of the band.

Her world is filled with peonies and roses,
Unspoken beauty that shines from within,
Not merely showered with a thousand promises,
But sincere acts that come from within.

Holding onto the love in her heart,
She has always been happy from the start,
And she never had to ever part,
Never had to ever feel a broken heart.

I was supposed to be her,
But I got dragged into the mirror.
Filled with fears and horror,
I was no longer her.

I am only a shadow in the mirror.
Cannot be seen, cannot be heard.
Behind this mirror only lies terror.
Cannot be seen, cannot be heard.

I walk with a time bomb clutching my heart,
It clutches so tightly it suffocates me,
But I don’t know how to get it off my heart,
And I don’t know how long until it explodes inside me.

Look down, keep looking down.
Don’t breathe too hard, don’t breathe too deep.

Let me get back to be her again!
Let me hold that bouquet of peonies again!

But a resounding “No, no, no,” comes from the ghost of haunted past.
“Stay here with me,” he said as he ties up my limbs.

I am only a shadow in the mirror.
Cannot be seen, cannot be heard.
What do I have to do to get out of this horror?
When my screams for help cannot be heard…

Mirror

Immoral Disturbances

No dark clouds surrounding me,
just my red blanket enveloping my body.
The air feels clear and crisp,
but why am I suffocating?

The hammer plummeting inside my head reappears,
followed by the familiar little tingling steps of the spiders,
perhaps to me they’re all just reminders,
of the one thing I’ve always wondered…

Am I sane or am I not?

The urges to scream,
yearning to feel the breaking bones in my hands,
the need to shout,
desperately wanting to create chaos…

Craving to feel alive again.

My thoughts are criminals.
They’ve been caged within the prison of morality.
Arsonists, rapists, murderers.
They are jailed in a prison deep in my mind.

They would stomp the ground,
dig with shovels,
destroy the cells,
to run away and be free.

The world is clear to my senses,
but not in my head.
My head is in a state of calamity.

Immoral Disturbances