Soliloquy

I understand.
When you said it feels lonely.
I understand.
We’ve never wiped each other’s tears.

Like you said,
you only have me.
But you need to know,
I only have you, too.

So why aren’t we hugging more?
Hell, why aren’t we fighting more?
Why don’t we try harder and get closer?
In the end, we both just don’t want to get hurt.

Maybe I am trying to create a fight.
Maybe I am trying to piss you off.
Maybe I am looking for your attention.
Maybe I am wanting to be closer to you.

But I guess I’m not doing it right.
Because as far as I can see,
Your wall gets even higher than before,
surrounded by an unbreakable spell I can’t speak.

________________________

So what’s left for me to do?

Soliloquy

Dear Verene

I always thought I left you back in 2006,
but you’ve always managed to return to me even in 2008, 2014, and this year.
As much as I’m comfortable with your familiar presence,
I can no longer welcome you.

You’ve always managed to subtly sneak into my door,
then you take your storms inside my home.
Though sometimes it has filled me with something to hear and feel,
did you realise how many flowers you’ve killed?

I can no longer allow you to step in to my home.

Because unlike before,
I have everything I need in my home.
And guess what,
I have everything you wished for.

And I won’t let you take it from me.

As much as I know that 2006 was painful for you,
that is where your home is.
This time, I’m leaving you there for good.
And I’m going to enjoy my blessings.

So thank you for your company all this time,
thank you for being the force that puts me to where I am today,
but I no longer need your service.

Goodbye, Verene.

___________________________________

With this, I will not let you partake in my future.

Dear Verene

Sorry

On the day I took my first breath of fresh air,
your love was the first thing that I knew.
I’ve taken it for granted at times,
not completely understanding your love and intentions.

I know I have unintentionally done things that angered you, annoyed you, upset you…
but the worst is that I have deliberately done things that I knew was going to make you feel sad.

I know, I’m selfish.

I’ve grown to be an adult who learned from things outside of your teachings.
I no longer like only the things you taught me to like.
I start seeing your flaws that I never noticed before.

Nevertheless, I still love you.

I know I have no right to ask things from you…
but I miss your smile.
I miss your happy smile as if nothing in the world can bring you down.
I miss your smile without your thick eyebags as if you’ve been crying for weeks.

I know only time can heal your heart right now.
So I will wait….patiently.
I will wait until your smile fully return.

After all…I will forever be your daughter.

__________________________
I can’t understand your pain, but…
It’s not easy on me, too.

I realised how much I missed your voice…it made me so happy just to hear you on the background.

I pray that one day, I can hear you speak to me again.

Sorry

Clench

“I’m fine,”
while clenching my fists,
clenching my teeth.

What if I say I’m not fine?
What if I hurt their feelings?
What if I am seen as selfish?

“I’m fine,”
while clenching my fists,
clenching my teeth.

Well I have to be okay.
Just clench and deal with it.
It’s not important.

“I’m fine,”
while clenching my fists,
clenching my teeth.

I want to whine.
I want to breakdown.
I want to cry.

“I’m fine,”
while clenching my fists,
clenching my teeth.

Stop it, you’re being selfish now.
Just go to sleep.
It will be okay tomorrow.

“I guess I will be fine,”
slowly exhaling deeply,
releasing my tension.

______________________________
I just wanted to hear that it’s okay for me to breakdown for a mere 5 seconds. And a hug.

Clench

Stardust

Amongst the still-glimmering stars in the night sky,

You came like a shooting star.

With an intensity so high,

Aiming to travel far.

You may be brief but you were bright,

Although your time has passed I remember your light.

__________________________________________

Even though the world was unjust,

You have no more worries, you’re a stardust.

Stardust

Mental Conversations

“Welcome to your first session. What has been bothering you lately?”

“Friends,”

“What about them?”

“I don’t know,”

“Do you have some?”

“Yes,”

“So why has it been bothering you?”

“Because I woke up after a long dream and realised that I know nothing,”

“Nothing?”

“What do I know? What do I not know?”

“And that has been bothering you?”

*shrugs* “I guess,”

“Have you talked it out?”

*shakes head* “I don’t know how,”

“How to…?”

“How to talk to them,”

“Well first, what would you like to know?”

“If our laughs were real,”

“Maybe they were real at that time,”

“I guess,”

“What else would you like to know?”

“Will we be able to laugh again in the future?”

“You will always be able to laugh with someone, anyone, even with another person, a better person,”

“I guess,”

“What is the last thing that you would like to know?”

“What do they speak of me when I’m not listening?”

____________________________________________
but the answer is only silence.

Mental Conversations

Crashing Waves

Red light.

I stand on the edge, gazing.
The speed of cars, buses, and trucks hit like crashing waves.
A little girl in the middle, dancing.
Stretching her arms towards me, inviting me to be brave.

Green light.

_______________________________________
Because I’ve wondered how would it feel like if I stepped towards the girl.

Crashing Waves