You wake up to your alarm,
then get yourself showered,
have an egg on toast that tastes like nothing,
like you haven’t been able to taste anything in the last few weeks,
you try to put on a smile to kickstart your day at work,
but really you know you can burst into tears anytime over nothing,
you try to make yourself look cute,
but really you’ve hated all your clothes lately,
just like you’ve hated your body again,
but here you are, on your way to work,
not for the money,
but for the desperate hope that you can feel something trying to do good for others.
So here you are, again, trying just a bit more.
When you said it feels lonely.
We’ve never wiped each other’s tears.
Like you said,
you only have me.
But you need to know,
I only have you, too.
So why aren’t we hugging more?
Hell, why aren’t we fighting more?
Why don’t we try harder and get closer?
In the end, we both just don’t want to get hurt.
Maybe I am trying to create a fight.
Maybe I am trying to piss you off.
Maybe I am looking for your attention.
Maybe I am wanting to be closer to you.
But I guess I’m not doing it right.
Because as far as I can see,
Your wall gets even higher than before,
surrounded by an unbreakable spell I can’t speak.
So what’s left for me to do?
I always thought I left you back in 2006,
but you’ve always managed to return to me even in 2008, 2014, and this year.
As much as I’m comfortable with your familiar presence,
I can no longer welcome you.
You’ve always managed to subtly sneak into my door,
then you take your storms inside my home.
Though sometimes it has filled me with something to hear and feel,
did you realise how many flowers you’ve killed?
I can no longer allow you to step in to my home.
Because unlike before,
I have everything I need in my home.
And guess what,
I have everything you wished for.
And I won’t let you take it from me.
As much as I know that 2006 was painful for you,
that is where your home is.
This time, I’m leaving you there for good.
And I’m going to enjoy my blessings.
So thank you for your company all this time,
thank you for being the force that puts me to where I am today,
but I no longer need your service.
With this, I will not let you partake in my future.
On the day I took my first breath of fresh air,
your love was the first thing that I knew.
I’ve taken it for granted at times,
not completely understanding your love and intentions.
I know I have unintentionally done things that angered you, annoyed you, upset you…
but the worst is that I have deliberately done things that I knew was going to make you feel sad.
I know, I’m selfish.
I’ve grown to be an adult who learned from things outside of your teachings.
I no longer like only the things you taught me to like.
I start seeing your flaws that I never noticed before.
Nevertheless, I still love you.
I know I have no right to ask things from you…
but I miss your smile.
I miss your happy smile as if nothing in the world can bring you down.
I miss your smile without your thick eyebags as if you’ve been crying for weeks.
I know only time can heal your heart right now.
So I will wait….patiently.
I will wait until your smile fully return.
After all…I will forever be your daughter.
I can’t understand your pain, but…
It’s not easy on me, too.
I realised how much I missed your voice…it made me so happy just to hear you on the background.
I pray that one day, I can hear you speak to me again.
Amongst the still-glimmering stars in the night sky,
You came like a shooting star.
With an intensity so high,
Aiming to travel far.
You may be brief but you were bright,
Although your time has passed I remember your light.
Even though the world was unjust,
You have no more worries, you’re a stardust.
Clutching on my bag, I walk home,
The golden sky watches over my shoulder.
The gust of wind ensures that I’m not alone,
With each step I take, I get closer.
98, 99, 100
With home still out of sight,
Only birds and trees on the right,
Although the day is turning to night,
Nothing in my way can deter my might.
498, 499, 500
Some rocks have gotten into my shoes,
Scraping the soles of my foot,
But there have been more things I have withstood,
This far in I have nothing else to lose.
998, 999, 1000
I can hear the melody of your laughter,
I’m not there yet, but I can still roam,
Taking further steps to the next chapter,
Looking forward to the next time I go home.
You are my home.
But how can I not smile,
when every time I look at you,
I see you fathering our children.