Soliloquy

I understand.
When you said it feels lonely.
I understand.
We’ve never wiped each other’s tears.

Like you said,
you only have me.
But you need to know,
I only have you, too.

So why aren’t we hugging more?
Hell, why aren’t we fighting more?
Why don’t we try harder and get closer?
In the end, we both just don’t want to get hurt.

Maybe I am trying to create a fight.
Maybe I am trying to piss you off.
Maybe I am looking for your attention.
Maybe I am wanting to be closer to you.

But I guess I’m not doing it right.
Because as far as I can see,
Your wall gets even higher than before,
surrounded by an unbreakable spell I can’t speak.

________________________

So what’s left for me to do?

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Soliloquy

Dear Verene

I always thought I left you back in 2006,
but you’ve always managed to return to me even in 2008, 2014, and this year.
As much as I’m comfortable with your familiar presence,
I can no longer welcome you.

You’ve always managed to subtly sneak into my door,
then you take your storms inside my home.
Though sometimes it has filled me with something to hear and feel,
did you realise how many flowers you’ve killed?

I can no longer allow you to step in to my home.

Because unlike before,
I have everything I need in my home.
And guess what,
I have everything you wished for.

And I won’t let you take it from me.

As much as I know that 2006 was painful for you,
that is where your home is.
This time, I’m leaving you there for good.
And I’m going to enjoy my blessings.

So thank you for your company all this time,
thank you for being the force that puts me to where I am today,
but I no longer need your service.

Goodbye, Verene.

___________________________________

With this, I will not let you partake in my future.

Dear Verene

Clench

“I’m fine,”
while clenching my fists,
clenching my teeth.

What if I say I’m not fine?
What if I hurt their feelings?
What if I am seen as selfish?

“I’m fine,”
while clenching my fists,
clenching my teeth.

Well I have to be okay.
Just clench and deal with it.
It’s not important.

“I’m fine,”
while clenching my fists,
clenching my teeth.

I want to whine.
I want to breakdown.
I want to cry.

“I’m fine,”
while clenching my fists,
clenching my teeth.

Stop it, you’re being selfish now.
Just go to sleep.
It will be okay tomorrow.

“I guess I will be fine,”
slowly exhaling deeply,
releasing my tension.

______________________________
I just wanted to hear that it’s okay for me to breakdown for a mere 5 seconds. And a hug.

Clench

Home

As I close the door
to set my steps on the world
I took a glance back
but was more excited on the view of what was coming

I have wandered
I have challenged
I have been afraid
I have been curious
but
I have their faith
I have their trust

Every step forward I have taken
has only been possible because of the safe security of home

Because no matter how far I go
Their love never cease to exist

____________________________
Because I am blessed with the kindest home.

Home

Stardust

Amongst the still-glimmering stars in the night sky,

You came like a shooting star.

With an intensity so high,

Aiming to travel far.

You may be brief but you were bright,

Although your time has passed I remember your light.

__________________________________________

Even though the world was unjust,

You have no more worries, you’re a stardust.

Stardust

Her Eyes

She worked a job with no past experience,
no university degrees to help her excel,
devoting her life to raise good people,
trying to make just a little difference.

She’s a human being with flaws,
but she’s only doing her best.
She always says she is blessed,
because she has me as her cause.

We agree on some things,
about people and spreading kindness.
We disagree on many things,
about the world and about ourselves.

Emotions are hard to keep,
even though we try hard to ignore.
In silence she did not weep,
but the weight of pain in her eyes she bore.

In her flaws she is still perfection,
as no one could have done her job better than her.
She guided me in to the right direction,
even though I end up in a different place from her.

In her eyes there was still disappointment,
not of me, but of herself.
Despite her flaws, she did nothing wrong,
and there are no reasons for me to be gone.

She is weeping silently through her eyes,
but I only pray to God, someday please bring back her smile.

______________________________________________
Even if the rest of my life is an atonement
for breaking her heart.

Her Eyes