Just a bit more.

You wake up to your alarm,
then get yourself showered,
have an egg on toast that tastes like nothing,
like you haven’t been able to taste anything in the last few weeks,
you try to put on a smile to kickstart your day at work,
but really you know you can burst into tears anytime over nothing,
you try to make yourself look cute,
but really you’ve hated all your clothes lately,
just like you’ve hated your body again,
but here you are, on your way to work,
not for the money,
but for the desperate hope that you can feel something trying to do good for others.
So here you are, again, trying just a bit more.

Just a bit more.

I’m Home.

I dragged my feet today.
They felt so heavy,
like they were buckled onto steel weights.
But they felt like they were ready to jump when the train was coming.

No, no, you can’t do that.
It wouldn’t be fair.
There are people out there who need you.
There are people who love you.

I snapped back to reality.
The grey door was in front of me.
I opened it and whispered softly,
“I’m home.”

But there was only silence in return.

I’m Home.

Longing

Bathing under the moonlight,
its shine glistens upon my skin.
Trying to feel your touch tonight,
but all I could feel is satin.

I could feel the warmth of my rug,
but it’s nothing like your hug.
I could feel the softness of my sheets,
but it’s nothing like your kiss.

There is this hole inside me that only you can fill.
So please, come to me and fulfil me if you will.

Let me feel your muscles tighten beneath my grip,
and sink my teeth onto your skin until your blood starts to drip.

Let me savour your taste,
I promise nothing will go to waste.

Let me devour all of you,
and take all of me with you.

_______________________________

This longing is burning me up inside.

Longing

Soliloquy

I understand.
When you said it feels lonely.
I understand.
We’ve never wiped each other’s tears.

Like you said,
you only have me.
But you need to know,
I only have you, too.

So why aren’t we hugging more?
Hell, why aren’t we fighting more?
Why don’t we try harder and get closer?
In the end, we both just don’t want to get hurt.

Maybe I am trying to create a fight.
Maybe I am trying to piss you off.
Maybe I am looking for your attention.
Maybe I am wanting to be closer to you.

But I guess I’m not doing it right.
Because as far as I can see,
Your wall gets even higher than before,
surrounded by an unbreakable spell I can’t speak.

________________________

So what’s left for me to do?

Soliloquy

Dear Verene

I always thought I left you back in 2006,
but you’ve always managed to return to me even in 2008, 2014, and this year.
As much as I’m comfortable with your familiar presence,
I can no longer welcome you.

You’ve always managed to subtly sneak into my door,
then you take your storms inside my home.
Though sometimes it has filled me with something to hear and feel,
did you realise how many flowers you’ve killed?

I can no longer allow you to step in to my home.

Because unlike before,
I have everything I need in my home.
And guess what,
I have everything you wished for.

And I won’t let you take it from me.

As much as I know that 2006 was painful for you,
that is where your home is.
This time, I’m leaving you there for good.
And I’m going to enjoy my blessings.

So thank you for your company all this time,
thank you for being the force that puts me to where I am today,
but I no longer need your service.

Goodbye, Verene.

___________________________________

With this, I will not let you partake in my future.

Dear Verene

Clench

“I’m fine,”
while clenching my fists,
clenching my teeth.

What if I say I’m not fine?
What if I hurt their feelings?
What if I am seen as selfish?

“I’m fine,”
while clenching my fists,
clenching my teeth.

Well I have to be okay.
Just clench and deal with it.
It’s not important.

“I’m fine,”
while clenching my fists,
clenching my teeth.

I want to whine.
I want to breakdown.
I want to cry.

“I’m fine,”
while clenching my fists,
clenching my teeth.

Stop it, you’re being selfish now.
Just go to sleep.
It will be okay tomorrow.

“I guess I will be fine,”
slowly exhaling deeply,
releasing my tension.

______________________________
I just wanted to hear that it’s okay for me to breakdown for a mere 5 seconds. And a hug.

Clench

Home

As I close the door
to set my steps on the world
I took a glance back
but was more excited on the view of what was coming

I have wandered
I have challenged
I have been afraid
I have been curious
but
I have their faith
I have their trust

Every step forward I have taken
has only been possible because of the safe security of home

Because no matter how far I go
Their love never cease to exist

____________________________
Because I am blessed with the kindest home.

Home