Clench

“I’m fine,”
while clenching my fists,
clenching my teeth.

What if I say I’m not fine?
What if I hurt their feelings?
What if I am seen as selfish?

“I’m fine,”
while clenching my fists,
clenching my teeth.

Well I have to be okay.
Just clench and deal with it.
It’s not important.

“I’m fine,”
while clenching my fists,
clenching my teeth.

I want to whine.
I want to breakdown.
I want to cry.

“I’m fine,”
while clenching my fists,
clenching my teeth.

Stop it, you’re being selfish now.
Just go to sleep.
It will be okay tomorrow.

“I guess I will be fine,”
slowly exhaling deeply,
releasing my tension.

______________________________
I just wanted to hear that it’s okay for me to breakdown for a mere 5 seconds. And a hug.

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Clench

Tick Tock

Tick. Tock.
can’t sleep.
Tick. Tock.
can’t breathe.
chaos chaos chaos
in my brain?
or wait.
is it in my heart?
chaos chaos chaos
rupture
like a tangled spiderweb.
fury.
chaos chaos chaos
fire in the hole!
then drowning.
Tick. Tock.
what the fuck am I even on about.

Tick Tock

Wide Awake

Lying on the edge of my bed, I breathe.
Looking at the time, oh what time is it?
It’s 4:16 am and I am wide awake.
Staring at the ceiling, oh what is it?

Blink. Blink. Blink.

Wait, was it all a dream or is this real?
It was like a dream, that’s what I feel.
A long dream, or was it even a nightmare?
I don’t even have anymore thoughts to spare.

Blink. Blink. Blink.

The ceiling fan spinning at a constant speed.
Well, not like what we had when we started.
Even my heartbeat was at a constant speed.
Well, not like what I felt when we started.

Blink. Blink. Blink.

Gripping the blanket tightly,
forcing myself to go to sleep.
I can’t even make myself weep,
just staring the ceiling continuously.

Blink. Blink. Blink.

Ha. You disgust me.
There, I said it.
I scoffed.
Wow. You disgust me.

Blink. Blink. Blink.

Oh hey let’s see what time it is.
It’s 4:26 am and I am wide awake.
How long are you gonna keep this?
Hup, hup, come on it’s time to wake.

Wakey, wakey.
______________________________
“I know the truth now,
I know who you are,
and I don’t love you anymore,”
– Evanescence “Everybody’s Fool”

Wide Awake

One/Free

I can hear the chains clanking off my back,
my wings are still weak but I still remember how to fly.
I swear I felt like I was about to die,
but now I will fly far and never look back.

The gust of air screams freedom,
and once again, I could be me.
But there is still something that bothers me,
and prevents me from enjoying this freedom.

I want to rip that sweet facade off your face.

Everyone was right, I didn’t belong there,
but I could fly home now.
I wanted to keep my vow,
to be with you I chose to stay there.

But god I was dying.
I floated but the air was still suffocating.

Those sweet, sweet promises,
chained me to the lands of uncertainty.
Those sweet, sweet kisses,
locked me to the heart of improbability.

The pain is still there from the chains,
but I can breathe again now.
I guess I was right,
I had to wait for you to unleash the chains.

I’m no slave, I’m free.
Was that how you wanted to treat me?
Fuck, I guess I was a slave to your love,
oh that’s right, wasn’t that how we began, love?

Funny how our world never was and never will be.
No matter how much I wished for it to be.
Through heaven and hell I went back,
but no, this time I’m not going back.

Let me live in my freedom.
__________________________________________
And let me laugh through my red lips.

One/Free

Your Fool

That beautiful facade,
I foolishly fell in love with.
Oh, honey, I am a fool.
But god damn it I’m your fool.

I look in the mirror and I laugh,
“How did you get so far off?”
So far deep, deep down,
wearing the fool’s crown?

Laugh, laugh, laugh.
Admit it, this is funny.

Your chaos behind your facade.
How much time do you have before you fall apart?

Accept it, this is a domino game.
The stack of cards won’t stop falling over.
If you seriously think this is a game,
shouldn’t it be time that it’s game over?

If I have a question to ask more,
do you even know yourself anymore?
_____________________________________
“Without the mask,
where will you hide?
Can’t find yourself,
lost in your lies,”
– Evanescence “Everybody’s Fool”

Your Fool

Laugh It Out

Funny how the world works,
but when I see it again,
I guess I’ll laugh it off,
and I won’t feel any pain.

Hahaha! Laugh it out!

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be?

Fool me thrice, I’m disgusted with you,
but I guess it was alright because I loved you.

I cried enough,
but these tears are for me.
I know it is tough,
but damn I love me.

And no one can love me more than I do.

_____________________

Just what we all need,
more lies about the world that
never was and never will be
have you no shame? Don’t you see me?
You know you’ve got everybody fooled.
-Evanescence, “Everybody’s Fool”

Laugh It Out