Wide Awake

Lying on the edge of my bed, I breathe.
Looking at the time, oh what time is it?
It’s 4:16 am and I am wide awake.
Staring at the ceiling, oh what is it?

Blink. Blink. Blink.

Wait, was it all a dream or is this real?
It was like a dream, that’s what I feel.
A long dream, or was it even a nightmare?
I don’t even have anymore thoughts to spare.

Blink. Blink. Blink.

The ceiling fan spinning at a constant speed.
Well, not like what we had when we started.
Even my heartbeat was at a constant speed.
Well, not like what I felt when we started.

Blink. Blink. Blink.

Gripping the blanket tightly,
forcing myself to go to sleep.
I can’t even make myself weep,
just staring the ceiling continuously.

Blink. Blink. Blink.

Ha. You disgust me.
There, I said it.
I scoffed.
Wow. You disgust me.

Blink. Blink. Blink.

Oh hey let’s see what time it is.
It’s 4:26 am and I am wide awake.
How long are you gonna keep this?
Hup, hup, come on it’s time to wake.

Wakey, wakey.
______________________________
“I know the truth now,
I know who you are,
and I don’t love you anymore,”
– Evanescence “Everybody’s Fool”

Wide Awake

Prickling Needles

Every step I take it feels like I’m walking on needles.
Step by step, it only hurts a little,
but then the wounds would not heal.
And all I can do is try not to feel.

Where should I go this time,
where should I walk to?
I want to see you later sometime,
but really will I be able to?

Every breath I take it feels like I’m inhaling needles.
It stabs through the heart but only a little,
but the deeper I breathe in, the more painful it feels,
please say it, tell me all of this is not real…
__________________________________
Say you love me again,
instead of saying her name.

Prickling Needles

Dark Night

The night is cold and lonely,
the darkness makes it hard to see.
But there’s warmth when you’re within,
just as warm as the touch of your skin.

Quietly enveloping its arms around you,
wasn’t sure if you felt it too.
But the night does not even wonder,
because at your touch, it felt better.

I walk alone in the streets,
because I can’t stand being alone in the sheets.
The sheets that still smells of you,
and the scent that won’t go away too.

The night is getting colder,
never realised I’m getting older.
How many days since it has passed?
Feels like my mind is in the past.

I’m not the spotlight, I’m just a shadow,
always behind you to watch you grow.
So when you look back, I’ll always be there,
to keep you away from your nightmare.

A shadow who will never walk away,
A shadow who will never let you astray.
In the dark night I will hold you tight,
like a silent knight protecting you with all my might.

___________________________________
Because I’m just a shadow.

Dark Night

Drown Me

Drown me.
In my dreams.
In these tunes.

It’s hard to breathe so let it be over.

Blast the drums in my ears.
So I can’t hear the sound of my fears.
And I can’t feel my own tears.

Tell me why is it so hard to breathe.

Shout and scream it out loud.
So I can’t hear my brain pound.
When I’m high above the cloud.

Let me crawl out of this skin to feel alive.

Please, someone scream to me,
so I can’t hear these thoughts in me.
Drown me.
____________________________________
An object is only the strongest at its weakest point.

Drown Me

So Long and Good Night

Sitting on my bed, I wonder,
keep feeling like I should be doing something.
Staring at my phone, I ponder,
but why am I not doing anything?

I just stare, stare, stare,
hoping that your name would appear.
But no matter how much I stare,
you just wouldn’t appear.

“How was your day?”
“Did you have fun today?”
“What are you doing?”
I was looking for those…or anything.

Nil.

Staring blankly at the screen, I wonder,
are you asking these questions to her?
The questions that you used to ask me,
and the words of love that you used to say to me.

Staring blankly at the wall, I ponder,
is your heart beating faster for her?
The heart that used to beat fast for me,
the warmth creeping up your cheeks that I couldn’t even see.

At this time of the day,
I used to be able to have you in my head,
but at this time of the day,
I could only feel that my heart is dead.

Your sweet voice when you said “I love you” for the first time,
keeps bouncing around my head.
Beating up my heart.
Because I could only hear it that one time.

As many times as I repeat your voice,
wishing that it was you whispering in my ears,
it slowly turned into a mere noise,
because it was covered by the sound of my tears.

Those three words used to be mine,
on a bad day I would hear it and I would be fine,
but those three words are no longer mine,
even when it once was mine.

If I can make a wish,
it would be for us to see each other again.
And we can kiss,
and love each other again.

But tonight it is just me in my lonely bed.
Putting myself to sleep.
Facing the side of my bed.
Letting myself weep.

And I say to myself, “Good night. Sweet dreams.”

So Long and Good Night

Drunk Lullaby

Those drips of burning alcohol,
I took it without hesitation.
Five, six, seven, then I lost count.
My system digests it too well.
I wanted to get drunk.
So it might just be easier for me to dream of you again.

I didn’t.
I was vast asleep, only briefly.

No dreams.
No you.

I wanted to see you.
But I woke up in this ungodly hour,
As my playlist was finished.

No dreams.
No you.

I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t.
But I can only hurt.
It’s fucking 4:44 am.

No dreams.
No you.

Just the darkness enveloping myself.
No more alcohol to knock myself out again.
What am I supposed to do to see you again?

I changed positions hesitantly,
Counting endless numbers,
Listening to my lullaby, my ritual to fall asleep,
Yet, I could only see black.

No dreams.
No you.

I wanted to cry, but it wouldn’t fall.
I felt like I would take the fall.
Just in case I could probably see you again.

Do I have to jump?
Do I have to hit the concrete pavement to feel your breath on my neck again?

Drunk Lullaby

Teach Me How to Love

Love is unexplainable, yet everyone insists that it exists.

Love is untouchable, yet people say it is real.


I’m not talking about a mother’s eternal love for her child,

I’m talking about the bond between two human beings as partners.


I don’t know how it feels, as simple as that.

I need someone to appear in my life to show me that it is real.


Love makes you all giggly and happy, yet it tears your heart and soul apart at the same time.

…or so they say.


Why would anyone sacrifice themselves for such complex feelings?


Love is different from friendship.

…why do they differ?


Friendship is something that lasts forever, it’s something beautiful.

It makes you all giggly and happy, yet it does not tear your heart and soul apart at the same time.


Why would people choose love over friendship?

Why aren’t people in love with their friends?


Love is foreign for my logic.

And until the day someone can prove me otherwise, I still can’t accept this.


With my logic, I’m a fool who can’t understand love.

I’m no better than those fools in love.

I’m no less than those who understand love.


I have a brain that I know how to use properly,

I have a heart, yet I don’t know how to utilise it.


I’ve been looking for someone to help me understand love.

I found none.

If you would help me, that would be much appreciated, my friend.


I know that once I understand love,

I will never let it go.


So teach me how to love,

and I will forever be yours.

 

Teach Me How to Love