Sorry

On the day I took my first breath of fresh air,
your love was the first thing that I knew.
I’ve taken it for granted at times,
not completely understanding your love and intentions.

I know I have unintentionally done things that angered you, annoyed you, upset you…
but the worst is that I have deliberately done things that I knew was going to make you feel sad.

I know, I’m selfish.

I’ve grown to be an adult who learned from things outside of your teachings.
I no longer like only the things you taught me to like.
I start seeing your flaws that I never noticed before.

Nevertheless, I still love you.

I know I have no right to ask things from you…
but I miss your smile.
I miss your happy smile as if nothing in the world can bring you down.
I miss your smile without your thick eyebags as if you’ve been crying for weeks.

I know only time can heal your heart right now.
So I will wait….patiently.
I will wait until your smile fully return.

After all…I will forever be your daughter.

__________________________
I can’t understand your pain, but…
It’s not easy on me, too.

I realised how much I missed your voice…it made me so happy just to hear you on the background.

I pray that one day, I can hear you speak to me again.

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Sorry

Clench

“I’m fine,”
while clenching my fists,
clenching my teeth.

What if I say I’m not fine?
What if I hurt their feelings?
What if I am seen as selfish?

“I’m fine,”
while clenching my fists,
clenching my teeth.

Well I have to be okay.
Just clench and deal with it.
It’s not important.

“I’m fine,”
while clenching my fists,
clenching my teeth.

I want to whine.
I want to breakdown.
I want to cry.

“I’m fine,”
while clenching my fists,
clenching my teeth.

Stop it, you’re being selfish now.
Just go to sleep.
It will be okay tomorrow.

“I guess I will be fine,”
slowly exhaling deeply,
releasing my tension.

______________________________
I just wanted to hear that it’s okay for me to breakdown for a mere 5 seconds. And a hug.

Clench

Slip Away

Like these drops of water on the palm of my hands,
everyone is slipping away.
This wasn’t part of the plans,
much to my dismay.

The question is not “what happened?”,
but rather “why don’t they stay?”
Because now that it’s mentioned,
From me…I, too, would walk away.

I’m a tough wall with no ears,
I’m a soft ball with the tears.
And this further confirms my fears,
that I will be lonely in many years.

Maybe I am not good enough,
maybe I am undeserving.
Maybe I am rough,
maybe I am annoying.

If God is taking people away from me, maybe I never deserved them in the first place.
_____________________________
Maybe.

Slip Away

So Long and Good Night

Sitting on my bed, I wonder,
keep feeling like I should be doing something.
Staring at my phone, I ponder,
but why am I not doing anything?

I just stare, stare, stare,
hoping that your name would appear.
But no matter how much I stare,
you just wouldn’t appear.

“How was your day?”
“Did you have fun today?”
“What are you doing?”
I was looking for those…or anything.

Nil.

Staring blankly at the screen, I wonder,
are you asking these questions to her?
The questions that you used to ask me,
and the words of love that you used to say to me.

Staring blankly at the wall, I ponder,
is your heart beating faster for her?
The heart that used to beat fast for me,
the warmth creeping up your cheeks that I couldn’t even see.

At this time of the day,
I used to be able to have you in my head,
but at this time of the day,
I could only feel that my heart is dead.

Your sweet voice when you said “I love you” for the first time,
keeps bouncing around my head.
Beating up my heart.
Because I could only hear it that one time.

As many times as I repeat your voice,
wishing that it was you whispering in my ears,
it slowly turned into a mere noise,
because it was covered by the sound of my tears.

Those three words used to be mine,
on a bad day I would hear it and I would be fine,
but those three words are no longer mine,
even when it once was mine.

If I can make a wish,
it would be for us to see each other again.
And we can kiss,
and love each other again.

But tonight it is just me in my lonely bed.
Putting myself to sleep.
Facing the side of my bed.
Letting myself weep.

And I say to myself, “Good night. Sweet dreams.”

So Long and Good Night

2014

Floating around the ocean of emotions,
I wished that the strong wave would take me back ashore.
To wherever I was before I jumped into the ocean.
But the fact is, I’m still floating here.

I can’t go back.

All I can do is swim ahead and find another land.

I was floating around the ocean.
No safety belts, no life jackets.
Just waves and waves crushing down on me.
Taking me to places and trying to drown me.

The ocean had calmed down and I have seen the land far front.
However, I can also see the upcoming surge of waves ahead.
This time, I have to swim hard and strong, swimming against the waves.
So I can be ashore again.

_________________________________
It was the year I lost myself.
I lost sight of who I was.
I didn’t go through a roller coaster of emotions.
At least, if I was on a roller coaster, I would have my safety belt.
No matter how rough and twisted the tracks were,
I would still be seated safely.

2014

Say Goodbye and Go

I’ve been standing in your field of roses for too long.
I love you and it hurts me but I didn’t mind.
Your thorns were digging onto my skin, holding me down.
Soon I’ll be drowning in my own pool of blood.

I love you, but I’ll say goodbye and go.

Don’t hold me down in your field of roses,
So that you can come and see me when you feel like it,
I’m not a rose, I’m your lover.
Don’t say you love me if you don’t have me by your side.

I love you, but I’ll say goodbye and go.

Don’t keep me in that thorny field in your heart,
So that you can leave me and go back to me,
I’m hurt, but I’m your lover.
Don’t say you love me because you settle for me.

I love you, but I’ll say goodbye and go.

If you really love me then fight for me,
Walk through this field of roses and find me,
Save me from these stabbing thorns so I can be by your side.
Or I’ll leave and keep these wounds forever.

I love you, but I’ll say goodbye and go.

Don’t love me because I can love you like this.
Boy, you don’t get more excuses.
Don’t love me because I’m your last option.
Love me because I make you a better person.

I love you, but I’ll say goodbye and go.
I love you, so I’ll say goodbye and go.
____________________________________________
Because I have to stand my ground.

Say Goodbye and Go