A Letter From the Future

Dear 18-years-old me,

How are you?
I hope things have been well with you.
I am you, 10 years in the future.
I’ve only recently turned 28, so I thought I would write this letter to you, maybe we can sit down and have a nice chat over a cup of hazelnut latte.

First of all, you’d still love this drink. However, you will also start to learn how to love earl grey tea and even cocktails.

Secondly, congratulations on making it into the start of your adulthood. I know you have gone through a lot in the previous years. Unlike what you thought back then, I can guarantee you you’d still make it past the age of 25.

I know you think you have learned a lot from life and you know a lot of stuff, but I will try to convince you to be humble and keep learning. Not just from books or online, but also from the people around you. It is okay for you not to know about everything yet, because we will never know about everything.

I’d also like to let you know that you will go through some soul-searching journeys. You will live freely and unapologetically, just like how you have always wanted. You would explore everything and colour your hair firetruck red, just like how you have always wanted. You will eat, shop, travel, and dance however you wanted. You will be amazed at how many of your friends actually would stick through your antics, because they are amazing friends.

You will also learn how to apologise, because sorry is the hardest word. But by the time you learned how to apologise, you have lived freely and selfishly enough. You have also hurt some people along the way, unintentionally. You will learn that owning up to your mistakes and accepting your flaws is incredibly difficult, but you will find that others are surprisingly very forgiving.

You will learn how to share and forgive others. I know, I know it’s hard. I mean, you never had any siblings close to your age to share your stuff with. You will learn how to have a sister – especially how to share, give, and protect her.

For the next few years, you will still have those insecurities about your body. I know, this one was a tough one. In fact, I’m still actively working on this one. But so you know, what if instead of hating on your body, punishing it, and wishing that you will be slimmer, you can actually learn to love it, and exercise because you love it. Shocking, huh? There are actually so many things you can thank your body for. For it’s sturdiness, flexibility, and strength. Until now, your bones are never broken, you never needed to be hospitalised, you can still enjoy dancing, and you will always be able to find your size in stores. You will learn that you are quite privileged, so you can learn to be more humble.

I know you have had your fair share of heartbreaks, but believe me when I say you will learn a lot more. You will learn that your previous feelings of love was only because you wanted someone to fill in the big hole you had in your heart. You were not crazy, you were looking for love in the wrong places. But, from the heartbreak you will also learn how to appreciate and respect yourself more.

Last but not least, you will learn how to love and how to receive love. Not like how you have always been trying to do, but to truly love. You will learn to sacrifice and to listen to others better. You will no longer need to try to survive by prioritising your needs over others, but you will learn to thrive and give to others. Remember what papa said, whatever you give will come back to you. I promise you, there is someone who will return your love. It does not grow overnight, and you will go through many hurdles to be with this person. But you will find that this person is worth everything.

So I would like to tell you to keep pushing through. You are a stronger person than you think you are. Throw away that knife and never take them again because they will do you no good and you will not find love that way. Learn to fall in love with yourself, flaws and all. I’ll be waiting for you in 10 years’ time.

Yours sincerely,

You.

______________________

And also you will be working at your dream job but hey I don’t want to spoil the fun.

A Letter From the Future

Soliloquy

I understand.
When you said it feels lonely.
I understand.
We’ve never wiped each other’s tears.

Like you said,
you only have me.
But you need to know,
I only have you, too.

So why aren’t we hugging more?
Hell, why aren’t we fighting more?
Why don’t we try harder and get closer?
In the end, we both just don’t want to get hurt.

Maybe I am trying to create a fight.
Maybe I am trying to piss you off.
Maybe I am looking for your attention.
Maybe I am wanting to be closer to you.

But I guess I’m not doing it right.
Because as far as I can see,
Your wall gets even higher than before,
surrounded by an unbreakable spell I can’t speak.

________________________

So what’s left for me to do?

Soliloquy

Clench

“I’m fine,”
while clenching my fists,
clenching my teeth.

What if I say I’m not fine?
What if I hurt their feelings?
What if I am seen as selfish?

“I’m fine,”
while clenching my fists,
clenching my teeth.

Well I have to be okay.
Just clench and deal with it.
It’s not important.

“I’m fine,”
while clenching my fists,
clenching my teeth.

I want to whine.
I want to breakdown.
I want to cry.

“I’m fine,”
while clenching my fists,
clenching my teeth.

Stop it, you’re being selfish now.
Just go to sleep.
It will be okay tomorrow.

“I guess I will be fine,”
slowly exhaling deeply,
releasing my tension.

______________________________
I just wanted to hear that it’s okay for me to breakdown for a mere 5 seconds. And a hug.

Clench

Innocence

Hey there, little girl.
You may think you’re not doing well,
and the world is going against you.
Keep holding on,
you will get there.
It won’t be an easy path,
you will have your heart ripped out,
stepped on,
broken into pieces,
to the point you feel numb.
You will learn to fight,
to forgive,
and to let go.
They can forcibly take your flower crown,
but don’t let them take your innocence.

Innocence

Love

Nothing says love more than
simply being there
for someone who is crying their insecurities out on the floor
at 3 A.M.
bearing their pain
that is silence broken by the sound of their tears
knowing that this won’t be their last breakdown
and you choose to stay.
__________________________________
attraction brings you in,
but love makes you stay

Love

(Im)perfection.

Perfection, flawless, impeccable.
Unrealistic and unattainable.

Mistakes and flaws.
Gripping my heart like claws.

Until when will I punish myself?

This perfection obsession,
hazed my reflection.

Is the mirror dirty or is my brain cloudy?

The more I avoid making mistakes,
the more I make mistakes.

What do I do after the mistakes are made?

Acknowledge and learn.
_________________________________________________________
I’m perfection in my imperfection.

(Im)perfection.

Words

We are blessed with words.
To express, to communicate.
Much stronger than swords.
To retaliate, to reciprocate.

An extension of our thoughts.
An expression of our feelings.

Words bring people closer,
words bring people apart.
Words to lure people in,
words to push people out.

So why are words mightier than swords?
Because it’s the abstract product of thoughts.

Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, race in our minds.
Words, words, words, jump out from our thoughts.

Then silence.
Cue brain process.

Action-reaction.

Words are perceived.
Perceptions are processed in thoughts.
Thoughts are delivered in words.

The Möbius strip.

Words are free to be written,
words are free to be interpreted.
But words will never ever represent a human being.

Humans are more than descriptive words.
Angry words, venomous words, sad words,
happy words, gleeful words, love words.

And words are my only weapon.
To use well to spread love and kindness.
Or to use poorly to spread venomous hate.

So these are my words.
____________________________________
To celebrate my 100th post.

Words

Mirror Cracks

In between the cracks of the mirror I look at myself,
the shattered pieces make me look incomplete.
I touch it, carefully not to hurt myself,
but obviously, this broken mirror is obsolete.

What’s the use of looking at a broken mirror?
The broken reflection is not me.

“Stop touching it, the shattered pieces will hurt you.”

I hit the mirror with my fists.
The pieces fall, shattering and crumbling onto the floor.
They glint beautifully like sparkles.
And now what’s left is an open door.

My hands are bleeding from the shards,
but now I can replace it with a new mirror.

So I can stop seeing myself on a broken mirror,
and start seeing who I really am.

Let the broken mirror be replaced with a shiny new one,
so in the reflection I will be the only one.

_______________________________
and in the reflection I can see myself that I know.

Mirror Cracks

My Hairevolution

Since I have nothing much to do today (and I actually woke up at 2.30 pm…awesome!) I just want to share a story about my hair. Yes, my hairevolution.

So as you can obviously see, I have red hair. It’s actually short at the moment, in some of photos I was wearing my extensions. Obviously, this is not my natural hair colour, sorry to break it down for you. I wish it was. I’ve only had red hair since mid 2011 when I just moved to Brisbane, but it feels like I’ve had it forever.

Like any normal Indonesians, or even Asians in general, I had black hair. A hair colour that I felt just was not for me somehow. I couldn’t dye my hair at all, because all Indonesians have black hair, if you dye it brown, the teachers in school would notice immediately and suspend you for colouring your hair. Especially since I went to a Catholic, all-girl school for 6 years from middle school to high school. It was a very strict school, but I had my best memories from those years.

Anyways, everyone knew me as “the girl with the extremely long hair” because my hair reached up my thighs. I had never cut it short because I felt safe with it. I love it when people come to me and say “you have such beautiful long hair, how do you take care of it?”. The most extreme thing that I did was cutting my fringe (or bangs) when I was 16, and straighten my hair because my hair is naturally wavy. 

It reached up to a point where my hair has not been cut for 18 years. It actually looked like this:

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These were old photos, by the way. They were taken in 2009 for my yearbook, and as you can see on the first picture I was basically sitting on my hair. It was quite a hassle, I would tie up my hair in a bun almost every time. All of my friends would easily recognise me from the hair, it was pretty fun actually.

One day in around October or November 2010, I woke up and thought, “hey, let’s chop off this hair!!” and called my favourite hairdresser who had known me since I was 8 years old. I told her to come to my house because I want to get a haircut, but she thought it would be my usual hair trim, she didn’t see it coming. When she got to my house, I told her that I want to cut it real short. I swear to God she almost cried. She kept asking me if I was serious about it, or if I want to cut it to waist-length only, but I insisted that I want it cut short. 

It took her a while to let the situation sink in, probably around half an hour. When she finally collected herself, she braced herself and cut my hair. This is the last photo of my long hair (may you rest in peace, lol)

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…and she chopped it off! The end result kind of looked like this after a while:

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and that was the time when I was experiencing with hair colours. As soon as I chopped off my hair, I just dyed it different colours, this was one of my successful ones, I actually had my hair orange for a while…sad I don’t have the decent photos to show how orange it was in real life. Anyways, I discovered my obsession with red hair, and my journey began…

I tried some failed red dyes that made my hair look dark red instead of the bright red I was looking for…

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I switched brands and voila! It got to the red that I have right now, without any bleach 🙂 I love my red hair and I’m not going back to black for a while, probably in a few years. If anyone is interested in knowing the name of the brand, just contact me or comment below.

My hair is still short, but I kind of want to grow it out a little, maybe. I don’t know, we’ll see. Thanks for reading this massive post, by the way. It’s not important, nor it will change anyone’s lives, I just want to share my story. 

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Cheers! 

My Hairevolution

Finally, an official post!

Guess who’s VERY late to join the wordpress blogosphere? ME. I’ve been using Blogger for…I don’t know how many years now. Probably since I was in 8th grade, which was about 9 years ago? I’ve been going in and out of Blogger, having random hiatuses when I was feeling like it.

The thing is, I’ve never had many viewers in Blogger, and I just realised, “why don’t I move to wordpress?” So I did. My previous recent posts were taken from my Blogger, they were my most recent posts to date as they were written this year. They sound quite…dark, don’t they?

I’m trying to change the concept of my blog so I can make it more interesting to be able to attract more viewers. I hope it’s working.

So…why today? Why, out of all days, must I create this blog today, just one day before my assignment deadline? Not because I’ve finished my assignment (well, technically), but because WHY NOT?

I swear, WHY NOT will be forever my motto. I’ve done a lot of amazing things out of my comfort zone because of this motto. No regrets!

So yeah, I have an assignment due tomorrow night, but I’m about 90% finished anyway. My assignment is 3,500-word long and it consists of three parts: an applied report, a literature review, and a self reflection about the assignment. Can you guess what I’m studying? I’m going to answer that for you: Psychology.

Please, for the love of God, I can’t read your mind. …Or can I? 😉

Anyways, I need to get back to this assignment because I have nothing else interesting to write about at the moment. Watch this space!

 

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Back to assignment!
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