I dragged my feet today.
They felt so heavy,
like they were buckled onto steel weights.
But they felt like they were ready to jump when the train was coming.
No, no, you can’t do that.
It wouldn’t be fair.
There are people out there who need you.
There are people who love you.
I snapped back to reality.
The grey door was in front of me.
I opened it and whispered softly,
But there was only silence in return.
When you said it feels lonely.
We’ve never wiped each other’s tears.
Like you said,
you only have me.
But you need to know,
I only have you, too.
So why aren’t we hugging more?
Hell, why aren’t we fighting more?
Why don’t we try harder and get closer?
In the end, we both just don’t want to get hurt.
Maybe I am trying to create a fight.
Maybe I am trying to piss you off.
Maybe I am looking for your attention.
Maybe I am wanting to be closer to you.
But I guess I’m not doing it right.
Because as far as I can see,
Your wall gets even higher than before,
surrounded by an unbreakable spell I can’t speak.
So what’s left for me to do?
Like these drops of water on the palm of my hands,
everyone is slipping away.
This wasn’t part of the plans,
much to my dismay.
The question is not “what happened?”,
but rather “why don’t they stay?”
Because now that it’s mentioned,
From me…I, too, would walk away.
I’m a tough wall with no ears,
I’m a soft ball with the tears.
And this further confirms my fears,
that I will be lonely in many years.
Maybe I am not good enough,
maybe I am undeserving.
Maybe I am rough,
maybe I am annoying.
If God is taking people away from me, maybe I never deserved them in the first place.
I want to hike a mountain with the view,
I want to jump from a perfectly working plane,
I know that we are friends,
I am not doing these things for you.
Run, run, run,
Until my feet bleed dry.
Turn, turn, turn,
No turning back even if I try.
Behind the smile I weep,
Behind the cheers I cry.
I am no longer falling deep,
Not when my heart bled out to dry.
I took risks and leaps of faith,
But what was the point if I was the only one.
Even if I jump out of faith,
Would you still be my only one?
No, no more,
Even if I jump off it won’t be for you.
Our story became a folklore,
A mere fiction I’m writing about you.
I’m not doing this for you,
You can’t tell my heart what to do,
So let me walk away with my own pace,
So I can find again my inner peace.
Even if I still love you,
You were right, we will never be true.
So let me love myself this time,
Because my love for you ends at this rhyme.
My new chapter on finding who I really am starts now.