I dragged my feet today.
They felt so heavy,
like they were buckled onto steel weights.
But they felt like they were ready to jump when the train was coming.
No, no, you can’t do that.
It wouldn’t be fair.
There are people out there who need you.
There are people who love you.
I snapped back to reality.
The grey door was in front of me.
I opened it and whispered softly,
But there was only silence in return.
Bathing under the moonlight,
its shine glistens upon my skin.
Trying to feel your touch tonight,
but all I could feel is satin.
I could feel the warmth of my rug,
but it’s nothing like your hug.
I could feel the softness of my sheets,
but it’s nothing like your kiss.
There is this hole inside me that only you can fill.
So please, come to me and fulfil me if you will.
Let me feel your muscles tighten beneath my grip,
and sink my teeth onto your skin until your blood starts to drip.
Let me savour your taste,
I promise nothing will go to waste.
Let me devour all of you,
and take all of me with you.
This longing is burning me up inside.
When you said it feels lonely.
We’ve never wiped each other’s tears.
Like you said,
you only have me.
But you need to know,
I only have you, too.
So why aren’t we hugging more?
Hell, why aren’t we fighting more?
Why don’t we try harder and get closer?
In the end, we both just don’t want to get hurt.
Maybe I am trying to create a fight.
Maybe I am trying to piss you off.
Maybe I am looking for your attention.
Maybe I am wanting to be closer to you.
But I guess I’m not doing it right.
Because as far as I can see,
Your wall gets even higher than before,
surrounded by an unbreakable spell I can’t speak.
So what’s left for me to do?
I always thought I left you back in 2006,
but you’ve always managed to return to me even in 2008, 2014, and this year.
As much as I’m comfortable with your familiar presence,
I can no longer welcome you.
You’ve always managed to subtly sneak into my door,
then you take your storms inside my home.
Though sometimes it has filled me with something to hear and feel,
did you realise how many flowers you’ve killed?
I can no longer allow you to step in to my home.
Because unlike before,
I have everything I need in my home.
And guess what,
I have everything you wished for.
And I won’t let you take it from me.
As much as I know that 2006 was painful for you,
that is where your home is.
This time, I’m leaving you there for good.
And I’m going to enjoy my blessings.
So thank you for your company all this time,
thank you for being the force that puts me to where I am today,
but I no longer need your service.
With this, I will not let you partake in my future.
On the day I took my first breath of fresh air,
your love was the first thing that I knew.
I’ve taken it for granted at times,
not completely understanding your love and intentions.
I know I have unintentionally done things that angered you, annoyed you, upset you…
but the worst is that I have deliberately done things that I knew was going to make you feel sad.
I know, I’m selfish.
I’ve grown to be an adult who learned from things outside of your teachings.
I no longer like only the things you taught me to like.
I start seeing your flaws that I never noticed before.
Nevertheless, I still love you.
I know I have no right to ask things from you…
but I miss your smile.
I miss your happy smile as if nothing in the world can bring you down.
I miss your smile without your thick eyebags as if you’ve been crying for weeks.
I know only time can heal your heart right now.
So I will wait….patiently.
I will wait until your smile fully return.
After all…I will forever be your daughter.
I can’t understand your pain, but…
It’s not easy on me, too.
I realised how much I missed your voice…it made me so happy just to hear you on the background.
I pray that one day, I can hear you speak to me again.
chaos chaos chaos
in my brain?
is it in my heart?
chaos chaos chaos
like a tangled spiderweb.
chaos chaos chaos
fire in the hole!
what the fuck am I even on about.
As I close the door
to set my steps on the world
I took a glance back
but was more excited on the view of what was coming
I have wandered
I have challenged
I have been afraid
I have been curious
I have their faith
I have their trust
Every step forward I have taken
has only been possible because of the safe security of home
Because no matter how far I go
Their love never cease to exist
Because I am blessed with the kindest home.