Tick Tock

Tick. Tock.
can’t sleep.
Tick. Tock.
can’t breathe.
chaos chaos chaos
in my brain?
or wait.
is it in my heart?
chaos chaos chaos
rupture
like a tangled spiderweb.
fury.
chaos chaos chaos
fire in the hole!
then drowning.
Tick. Tock.
what the fuck am I even on about.

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Tick Tock

Colpo di Scena

Starring multi-faceted characters.
Seemingly predictable.

Scenes were to unfold innocently.
Developments were not to be complicated.

The plot was supposedly predictable.
Any audience would have guessed the ending.

Nothing is ever what they seem.

The past was supposed to stay in the past.
It came and clashed with the present.

The past was impossible, we knew that.
Hence the past was given up and no longer a part of the present.

The present is not what it seems.
It is the biggest plot twist in the story.

Colpo di Scena.

Innocence is an illusion.
Vision could only reach the visage.
Serenity is only a semblance.
Fear is hidden behind the façade.

Colpo di Scena

I’ve been slacking off…

I deserved to be punched in the face for slacking off on this blog. ;___; I’ve recorded (and edited) a video to catch up about everything I haven’t told you guys for the past few months…yet I haven’t uploaded it onto YouTube. I will. Soon. It’s going to be a long video, too. 

TL;DR, I’m back in Indonesia for a while (just got back last week). I’m still waiting for any news about the Masters degree, fingers crossed I’ll get it so I can go back and stay in Brisbane. And VIXX is ruining my life and I can’t focus on anything that is not VIXX-related right now. 

Just thought I’d let you know that. I’m still alive. I promise to post up the super long video by the end of this week. 

I’ve been slacking off…

Duality

They told me I should not care about external appearances,
but then they said I have to take care about my appearance.

They told me I should chase my dreams,
but then they said I need a feasible dream that can earn me some money.

They told me I should fall in love passionately,
but then they said I have to be logical and can’t be fooled with love.

They told me I should be firm to my beliefs,
but then they said I have to be adaptive and open-minded to changes.

They told me I should not waste my youth,
but then they said I have to be mature faster and think about my future.

They told me I should be honest to myself and other people,
but then they said I have to know what to point out to other people and be considerate.

They told me I should be a strong, independent woman,
but then they said I have to be feminine and not stronger than men.

They told me I should be myself,
but then they said I need to fit in to the society.

They told me I should be a unique individual,
but then they said I have to be the same or the society will reject me.

These dualities are the things we hear in our daily lives, since we were a child.
We were told to do things, but then we were also told to do the other.

No wonder the society is so f-ed up with its double standards.

Duality

Rants of the Day (Warning: Possible Swearing)

So I just want to dedicate this post to sum up my day today. It’s a Friday night when everyone is supposed to be out and having fun, but I choose to stay home and write down this rant because I need to get it out of my head.

I did a traditional Indonesian dance performance with my friends in the city today because there was a new flight launching by Indonesia’s national airline. As it was a traditional performance, we were all wearing our costumes while waiting for our turn to perform. I was talking to my friend, Janis, who came after work to see our performance (thank you, Janis! I love you! :D). We were talking and having a nice conversation, and then this Indian guy cut our conversation and asked if we were having a performance. 

I felt like I had to represent my team, so even though I was slightly annoyed to the fact that he cut our conversation, I answered yes, we were going to perform. All of a sudden, he asked me if I was a moslem (because I was wearing my veil/hijab…because I have short red hair and it doesn’t look as nice if I don’t tie my hair up in a neat bun), so of course I said yes (because I am…really). The conversation changed into him asking me about Indonesia’s president. Here’s how the conversation went, roughly:

Him: “Is the current Indonesian president a moslem?”

Me: “Yes, of course. All of the presidents have been moslems.”

Him: “But he doesn’t have a moslem name”

Me: “Yes, he has an Indonesian name”

Him: “It’s Bambang, right? What does that mean?”

Me: *in my heart* HOW THE F AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT IT MEANS IT’S A FREAKING JAVANESE NAME YOU DIPSHIT

“I don’t know, it’s a traditional Indonesian name”

Him: “Yes, but he doesn’t have a moslem name”

Me: *Starting to get annoyed* “YES, I ADMIT HE DOESN’T HAVE A MOSLEM NAME, HE HAS AN INDONESIAN NAME”

Him: But that’s not good, you see, my name is *insert a totally moslem name here I don’t even give a damn shit about his freaking name*. It’s taken from the 99 names of Allah, the asma ul husna, you know? That is a good moslem name, it shows that I’m a moslem.

Me: *boiling inside* ALSDKJGHASKDJGHALKSHJF YOU PIECE OF SCUM WHY DOES HIS NAME MATTER TO YOU I’M NOT THE PRESIDENT’S MOTHER GO ASK HIS MOTHER WHY SHE NAMED HIM BAMBANG WHY THE FUCK DID YOU ASK ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?! 

“Ok”

Him: “Aren’t you guys a moslem country?”

Me: “No.”

Him: “It’s not a moslem country anymore??”

Me: “No. Indonesia has never been a moslem country, it’s a republic dominated by moslems, and we acknowledge other religious beliefs.”

Him: “Okay. I lived with 3 Indonesian families, they told me about the previous president, the lady, do you know her name?”

Me: “You mean, Megawati?”

Him: “Yes, do you know what her name means?”

Me: “No?”

Him: “It means ‘cloud’ in Indian. It’s not a nice name”

Me: *WHY THE FUCK DOES ANY OF THIS MATTER TO YOU!?!??!?!?!!* “I don’t know, it’s an Indonesian name”

Him: “No, IT’S AN INDIAN NAME”

Me: *OMG FML WHY IS THIS PIECE OF SHIT TALKING TO ME I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS BEFORE MY PERFORMANCE*

Him: “Just like Indonesia, it’s derived from the word ‘India’ and ‘Asia'”

Me: *OMG CAN SOMEONE KILL ME NOW WHY DID YOU SUDDENLY BECOME AN INDONESIAN HISTORICIST* 

Him: *holding a brochure that said ‘Win free return flights to Bali’* “Do you know what Bali means?”

Me: “No.”

Him: “It’s an Indian for…”

Then my team called me for briefing before our performance. I was so pissed off like I’ve never been before. Honestly, how can you come up to a stranger, talk shit about their country, and ask the stupidest things such as WHY OUR PRESIDENT IS NAMED BAMBANG. HOW THE FUCK WOULD I KNOW. THE NAME HAS BEEN THERE AMONGST JAVANESE PEOPLE FOR CENTURIES, LEAVE IT ALONE.

Look, before anyone assumes I’m racist or prejudiced towards Indians…I’M NOT. 

What will you do if a stranger of another race comes up to you, and talk shit about your president’s names and act as if he’s better than all of us JUST BECAUSE HE HAS A MOSLEM NAME??? 

I’m not the most knowledgeable moslem in the world nor the most knowledgeable Indonesian about our history, but I know what he did was a terrible thing, even according to the religion. You don’t just come up to stranger and diss their culture. IT’S ALREADY THERE, LEAVE IT ALONE. If you want to be SKEPTICAL or CRITICAL make sure you’re doing it the right way. That was just way disrespectful, man. 

Putting aside your terrible accent and head-bobbing, the content of your “speech” was a complete BULLSHIT. I have never been so angry to anyone in particular, up to the point where if I ever see you again, I will return all your stupid questions to ask you about your country just so you know how it feels. Weirdo.

Sorry for bashing with all of my swearing, I just need to get it out of my head because I’m so angry right now. I’ve felt much better just by writing this down.

On a brighter note, I’ll try to write something for tonight. 🙂 

Rants of the Day (Warning: Possible Swearing)

Honesty

Who are you exactly to tell me how to live my life?
Or anyone’s life, at that.
“Girls have to be feminine and gentle, and boys have to be strong and manly,”
What if I tell you, straight in your face, “NO.”

NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.

Everyone deserves to live their life how they want it to be.
Anyone can choose to stand out or to fit in.
No one can tell anyone to follow the society.

Anyone deserves to stand out without having to worry about criticism.
Anyone deserves to fit in without having to lie to themselves.

Priority.
Everyone has different ones.
Mine is honesty.

I would rather be true to myself and stand out rather than to fit in.
Not even my mind can fit in to the society.
I would rather have less friends rather than having to have another face.
A visage of vanity.

I would choose solitude rather than having to hear your trash talk.

Do us all the favour, and stop pretending like you “care” about our image.
It’s our image, not yours.

Honesty