It was hard to imagine this day back then. Twenty moons ago, you embarked on your journey to serve your country. I still remember the tugging ache in my chest as I let you go. However, I knew it was something you had to do. These last twenty moons were filled with many emotions. Lots of tears were shed, lots of worries were ruminated, but most importantly lots of gratefulness were felt. In this day especially, I am thankful. You who have been protecting the country, you are back home, safe and sound. You are my protector now. I could not stop my lips from smiling, as I hold you gently in my arms this morning. "Welcome home, my love," I whispered softly into your ears.
Bathing under the moonlight,
its shine glistens upon my skin.
Trying to feel your touch tonight,
but all I could feel is satin.
I could feel the warmth of my rug,
but it’s nothing like your hug.
I could feel the softness of my sheets,
but it’s nothing like your kiss.
There is this hole inside me that only you can fill.
So please, come to me and fulfil me if you will.
Let me feel your muscles tighten beneath my grip,
and sink my teeth onto your skin until your blood starts to drip.
Let me savour your taste,
I promise nothing will go to waste.
Let me devour all of you,
and take all of me with you.
This longing is burning me up inside.
Have I ever told you why I hate closing my eyes and sleep?
Because I can reach out to you when I’m awake
When the nightmares are chasing me,
it’s easy to wake up because you are my reality
I used to live in the field of dreams,
but the reality is better than what it seems
Because you are there
I’m lying awake,
afraid of what will show up if I close my eyes.
I’m lying awake,
because I want to see you again.
Si vis amari, ama.
Holding hands as we dance,
the dance floor is available for two.
I gladly take this chance,
to lock my eyes on you.
When you and me had turned into we,
our dance lasts for eternity.
Our smiles as stories,
my words as the writer.
Our stories as songs,
your voice as the storyteller.
Keeping our breaths in harmony,
following our creation of melody.
In this crowded place,
I see so many faces.
I went looking in different places,
but really all I wanted to see is your face.
In this beautiful city,
the wind runs cold and dry.
Neglecting the summer sun,
all I wanted is to have some fun.
Streets and alleys inspired me,
so did Victorian buildings and vintage things.
I was lost in this Paris-like city,
but you were my home, this my heart feels.
A touch of hand saved me from loneliness,
even if I don’t wake up next to you, it is okay.
If there was one thing missing, it was your smile.
But it’s okay, maybe I’ll see you next time.
When did it start I never truly realised,
but I know I have decided,
that amongst everything else in this world,
all I want to see is your smile.
Only your smile gives me strength,
only your smile makes me understand,
how loving someone truly feels.
The last time I saw your face,
The last time your name escaped my lips,
The last time you crossed my mind,
You were still mine.
Now I see your face,
I call out your name,
I think of you,
But you’re no longer mine.
I gave my heart to you when I knew it was impossible.
I melted in your gentleness and emotions.
I am not allowed to feel it anymore, but oh how I sometimes wish to throw away my sanity just to feel it once again.
All the stories and the songs I could not relate to,
Now I relate to them all too well.
Everything reminds me of you.
Everything reminds me of our story.
My life is not a fairy tale, nor a song.
I don’t deserve the impossible happy ending with you.
So here I am…letting go.
“One man I can never meet. Him, I would like to give my whole heart to.”
– The Lake House, 2006
With this post, I’m announcing a new section to this blog, which is called “The Dreams Saga” because, well it’s pretty self-explanatory, but my dreams are truly too epic beyond proportions most of the time. Unlike people who mostly forget their dreams, I can remember my most epic dreams for quite a long time. Long enough to let me sit down and write it down in this blog.
This dream I just had last night involved some of my high school friends, let’s call them Y and T (does NOT stand for YouTube). So I was attending this jazz festival in Jakarta (which I would totally never attend…like ever…just because I’m not into those jazz festivals). Another weird thing was that I went there by myself. The festival was an outdoor one, and there were those tents to cover you from the sun and rain with lines of elevating seats (?). Since I was going alone, I didn’t bother getting a fantastic seating spot and just settled for the less crowded spot at the back.
I climbed up the stairs to get to the seats and I just sat there, looking at the swarming crowd trying to get the nice spot closer to the stage. Then I looked to the seat on the far left in the line, there was a baby. A freaking crying baby. The baby was roughly 6 months old? I don’t know, but the baby was lying on the seat, alone. I was surprised because I saw no adults near the baby. I felt pretty disturbed (and scared) with the baby crying, so I went over to the seat and tried to calm down the baby.
If anyone of you really know me, I’m terrible with kids and babies. Apparently even in my dreams, I was still terrible with babies, and the baby just couldn’t calm down at all. I held the baby in my arms and kept trying to calm her/him down. Then this guy, who was probably a few years older than me, came to me and said that it was his baby. For the record, he looked way too young to have a baby.
As terrible as I was with a baby, I knew enough not to trust him and handle the baby because he looked kind of out of place. He was wearing a thick black trench coat over his shirt, I mean come on, if this was Jakarta, you would be dead from the heat already. I refused to give the baby to him and stood up to walk away. As I was walking away, I looked back and noticed he didn’t try to chase after me, which was great. I walked down the stairs and I met my friend, Y, who looked really surprised as I was holding a baby. She thought the baby was mine, and I told her it wasn’t, I just happened to find the baby alone. Even she thought that was really weird.
Somehow we ended up sitting next to each other and talking about random things because we haven’t seen each other in a long time. After quite sometime, the previous man came to us again and asked me for the baby, who had finally calmed down and stopped crying. Y thought he was the real father of the baby, so she looked at me and was about to grab the baby from my arm to give to him. I held the baby back and told her that I won’t give him the baby. All of a sudden, this guy took A FREAKING SWORD from behind his coat and we just ran that instant.
Y and I were running together trying to find a safe place (completely forgetting about the jazz festival lol) to hide from him. We were running around the arena, but we lost him so we thought we were safe. Then we met our other friend, T. Just like Y, T teased me because she thought that the baby I was holding was mine. After explaining the whole situation to her, she finally grasped the situation Y and I were in and we agreed to stick together.
While walking around, we were talking about things and T mentioned that she actually went with her boyfriend to the festival but he was going somewhere else for the time being. Then a guy called her name and T excitedly said, “That’s my boyfriend, guys!” and when Y and I turned around, we were horrified to see that her boyfriend was the guy who was chasing us previously. Y and I immediately ran away and sometime in the middle of our escape mission where we were trying to fit in the crowd to get away, THE BABY DISAPPEARED FROM MY HANDS.
The insane guy stood there in front of us with the baby magically in his hands, and he took off his face mask and suddenly he turned into an old grandpa with white, messy beard, and he raised his sword while Y and I were panicking and screaming and trying to get away, only to find out that our dear friend T was caught in this guy’s hypnosis and strangled us and I woke up.
MORAL OF THE STORY: PLEASE ALWAYS DO A BACKGROUND CHECK ON YOUR BOYFRIEND BEFORE HE GOES OUT AND KILLS YOUR FRIENDS. LOL
Freud’s Possible Interpretation (FPI): the baby represents something that is not mine but is precious to me and the guy. I wonder what it is…