A Letter From the Future

Dear 18-years-old me,

How are you?
I hope things have been well with you.
I am you, 10 years in the future.
I’ve only recently turned 28, so I thought I would write this letter to you, maybe we can sit down and have a nice chat over a cup of hazelnut latte.

First of all, you’d still love this drink. However, you will also start to learn how to love earl grey tea and even cocktails.

Secondly, congratulations on making it into the start of your adulthood. I know you have gone through a lot in the previous years. Unlike what you thought back then, I can guarantee you you’d still make it past the age of 25.

I know you think you have learned a lot from life and you know a lot of stuff, but I will try to convince you to be humble and keep learning. Not just from books or online, but also from the people around you. It is okay for you not to know about everything yet, because we will never know about everything.

I’d also like to let you know that you will go through some soul-searching journeys. You will live freely and unapologetically, just like how you have always wanted. You would explore everything and colour your hair firetruck red, just like how you have always wanted. You will eat, shop, travel, and dance however you wanted. You will be amazed at how many of your friends actually would stick through your antics, because they are amazing friends.

You will also learn how to apologise, because sorry is the hardest word. But by the time you learned how to apologise, you have lived freely and selfishly enough. You have also hurt some people along the way, unintentionally. You will learn that owning up to your mistakes and accepting your flaws is incredibly difficult, but you will find that others are surprisingly very forgiving.

You will learn how to share and forgive others. I know, I know it’s hard. I mean, you never had any siblings close to your age to share your stuff with. You will learn how to have a sister – especially how to share, give, and protect her.

For the next few years, you will still have those insecurities about your body. I know, this one was a tough one. In fact, I’m still actively working on this one. But so you know, what if instead of hating on your body, punishing it, and wishing that you will be slimmer, you can actually learn to love it, and exercise because you love it. Shocking, huh? There are actually so many things you can thank your body for. For it’s sturdiness, flexibility, and strength. Until now, your bones are never broken, you never needed to be hospitalised, you can still enjoy dancing, and you will always be able to find your size in stores. You will learn that you are quite privileged, so you can learn to be more humble.

I know you have had your fair share of heartbreaks, but believe me when I say you will learn a lot more. You will learn that your previous feelings of love was only because you wanted someone to fill in the big hole you had in your heart. You were not crazy, you were looking for love in the wrong places. But, from the heartbreak you will also learn how to appreciate and respect yourself more.

Last but not least, you will learn how to love and how to receive love. Not like how you have always been trying to do, but to truly love. You will learn to sacrifice and to listen to others better. You will no longer need to try to survive by prioritising your needs over others, but you will learn to thrive and give to others. Remember what papa said, whatever you give will come back to you. I promise you, there is someone who will return your love. It does not grow overnight, and you will go through many hurdles to be with this person. But you will find that this person is worth everything.

So I would like to tell you to keep pushing through. You are a stronger person than you think you are. Throw away that knife and never take them again because they will do you no good and you will not find love that way. Learn to fall in love with yourself, flaws and all. I’ll be waiting for you in 10 years’ time.

Yours sincerely,

You.

______________________

And also you will be working at your dream job but hey I don’t want to spoil the fun.

A Letter From the Future

Just a bit more.

You wake up to your alarm,
then get yourself showered,
have an egg on toast that tastes like nothing,
like you haven’t been able to taste anything in the last few weeks,
you try to put on a smile to kickstart your day at work,
but really you know you can burst into tears anytime over nothing,
you try to make yourself look cute,
but really you’ve hated all your clothes lately,
just like you’ve hated your body again,
but here you are, on your way to work,
not for the money,
but for the desperate hope that you can feel something trying to do good for others.
So here you are, again, trying just a bit more.

Just a bit more.

Soliloquy

I understand.
When you said it feels lonely.
I understand.
We’ve never wiped each other’s tears.

Like you said,
you only have me.
But you need to know,
I only have you, too.

So why aren’t we hugging more?
Hell, why aren’t we fighting more?
Why don’t we try harder and get closer?
In the end, we both just don’t want to get hurt.

Maybe I am trying to create a fight.
Maybe I am trying to piss you off.
Maybe I am looking for your attention.
Maybe I am wanting to be closer to you.

But I guess I’m not doing it right.
Because as far as I can see,
Your wall gets even higher than before,
surrounded by an unbreakable spell I can’t speak.

________________________

So what’s left for me to do?

Soliloquy

Prayer

A little girl prays on her knees,
begging to God that one day she will be cherished.
She prayed that as her hair grows to her knees,
her love would also have flourished.

After years, her dreams were shattered,
her heart was hurt,
its pieces were scattered,
her hair was cut short.

She hated God.

For years her hair was kept short,
and she built herself a fort.
She took herself for a fool,
oh how could God be so cruel?

She was told that she was worthless.
She believed that she was undeserving.

A worthless woman, undeserving of love.

So many people God took away from her,
He told her to patiently wait.
Then He sent a man to her,
a man who is set to be her fate.

A man who would cherish her.

As she grows her hair again,
her love will reign,
her love will not go in vain.
_________________________________
Because he made her believe in love and God again.

Prayer

It’s Okay

No one has a straight path to walk on,
obstacles and turns come in your way,
until you have no more strength to carry on,
believe that you are already on the right way,

Right now other paths may seem brighter,
but other paths may not be better,
so don’t let anyone else’s path become a bother,
because they don’t shine as bright as the light at the end of your path.

People talk crap, people misunderstand,
and envious stares from the other paths that don’t see your fight.
Believe me, they wouldn’t know what is right,
don’t fall into their trap, they just won’t understand.

Even if you break down and take a step backward,
it’s okay.
Know that your fight will never betray you.

________________________________
Because those with the most obstacles in their path get the most happiness in return.

It’s Okay

2014

Floating around the ocean of emotions,
I wished that the strong wave would take me back ashore.
To wherever I was before I jumped into the ocean.
But the fact is, I’m still floating here.

I can’t go back.

All I can do is swim ahead and find another land.

I was floating around the ocean.
No safety belts, no life jackets.
Just waves and waves crushing down on me.
Taking me to places and trying to drown me.

The ocean had calmed down and I have seen the land far front.
However, I can also see the upcoming surge of waves ahead.
This time, I have to swim hard and strong, swimming against the waves.
So I can be ashore again.

_________________________________
It was the year I lost myself.
I lost sight of who I was.
I didn’t go through a roller coaster of emotions.
At least, if I was on a roller coaster, I would have my safety belt.
No matter how rough and twisted the tracks were,
I would still be seated safely.

2014

Colpo di Scena

Starring multi-faceted characters.
Seemingly predictable.

Scenes were to unfold innocently.
Developments were not to be complicated.

The plot was supposedly predictable.
Any audience would have guessed the ending.

Nothing is ever what they seem.

The past was supposed to stay in the past.
It came and clashed with the present.

The past was impossible, we knew that.
Hence the past was given up and no longer a part of the present.

The present is not what it seems.
It is the biggest plot twist in the story.

Colpo di Scena.

Innocence is an illusion.
Vision could only reach the visage.
Serenity is only a semblance.
Fear is hidden behind the façade.

Colpo di Scena

Lady of Fantasy

DSC_8188

I’m your lady of fantasy.
I can be everything you need me to be.
Being with me is easy.
Just close your eyes and set yourself free.

I’m your escape from reality.
I can help you form a happy memory.
Being sad is not the way to be.
Just visit me in my land of fantasy.

You’re my only guest here.
In our little soirée,
We only speak the language of the body.
Don’t worry, love, we are free.

Hitched breaths and muffled moans are our currency,
Fast or slow, doesn’t matter what the pace is,
As long as I can dig my fingernails onto your skin,
And whisper how much I love you into your ears.

There, awaits the lady of reality.
She, who said you can’t stay with me.
Please, choose her instead of me.
As I’m only your lady of fantasy.

I will never be your lady of reality.
_______________________________________
Even if I want to, you won’t want me to.

Lady of Fantasy

A•byss (əˈbɪs) – n. a deep, immeasurable space or cavity; vast chasm.

I’ve been living my life walking on a thin thread between love and logic,
Constantly trying to balance myself just so I won’t fall.
I can only try to stand tall,
and avoid the life trap that is tragic.

The balancing rod I am holding,
is something I call ‘friend’.
They help me to get a grip of where I am standing,
keeping my stand so I won’t bend.

I once almost fell to the pit of love,
hanging hopelessly on the thin thread with one hand, holding the balancing rod on the other.
I gripped my balancing rod tightly, trying to climb up above,
I pushed myself so that I was hanging no further.

Re-adjusting my balance, I walked forward.
Through the mist of uncertainty,
to get to the future of the unknown.

I’m slipping slowly to the pit of logic,
to the heartlessness that is so toxic.
Slowly becoming a machine,
surely becoming a heartless queen.

I once almost fell to the pit of joyous foolishness,
I’m slipping slowly to the pit of mechanical sanctuary.

Along this thin thread I’m walking on,
Even though I’m avoiding the pits of love and logic,
I am already in the abyss.
Should I be safe or should I be a fool?

A•byss (əˈbɪs) – n. a deep, immeasurable space or cavity; vast chasm.

Clash of the Ideologies

Some people say, “chase your dreams and passion in life,”
Some people say, “be realistic about your dreams,”
And I’m just here, somewhere in between.

I’m an idealist.
I want to change the world.
I want to revolutionise the way people think.
I want to create a better world. An utopia.

I’m also a realist.
I know I’m just a drop of water in the sea.
I know the world will not rotate the other way when I wish for it.
I know I can’t change all minds.

I don’t know which to bow down to.
The power of persistence, or the power of logic.
If I choose one, I may be a fool, thinking that I could change human being.
If I choose the other, I may be like the wind, flowing free without any directions.

Everything needs to be done in moderation, so they say.
I have been doing everything in moderation my whole life.
I lost my identity somewhere in between.
Never truly a part of something.

Then I realised, I’m an opportunist as well.
I take the smallest chances I can get.
Maybe, just maybe,
This path will take me to my utopia.

Clash of the Ideologies